30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 9

(I'm going to have not internet access for the next few days, so the next update will cover all the days in between now and when I get the internet back.)

9. What does being asexual mean to you?

To me, being asexual means not understanding some things my friends (or society at large) take for granted. It means being invisible to many people. It means not fitting in, and knowing I never really will. It means that I know that that old adage about ‘words never hurting’ is total bullshit. It means expecting that I will need to explain what my orientation is before I come out, because I cannot expect that those whom I’m coming out to will know what I’m talking about.

It also means having a community of people who know what I’m going though, who can relate to the things I feel. It means being able to say “this is what I want, and this is what I don’t”. It means having some resources, it means having a place to belong, it means having supportive friends and people whom I’m out to. It means not feeling broken, it means having relationships that work for me instead of what society thinks should work.

Being asexual means being me.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 6

6. Have you faced oppression because of your asexuality, whether institutional or societal?

That depends on your definition of oppression.

If you define oppression as “being physically beaten or otherwise assaulted”, then no, I haven’t.

I have, however, been told by people who knew I identified as asexual that I was “Wrong”, “confused”, “sick”, that I “would grow out of it”, that I was “doing it to be ironic”, that “I didn’t seem like I’d been abused, but you could never tell”* , that “it’s ok to be a lesbian”** and that “You can’t be (asexual)”. I have been told that me being asexual and aromantic is “a waste”, “Scientifically unsound”, “immature”, “unhealthy”, “freakish” and showed “Religious dedication” (I’m nontheist). I have been asked “So why did you choose to be asexual then?”***, “So you’re afraid of sex?”* and “So you’ve been raped then?”*

I have come out to friends and been told that they’d “believe me if I was still (aromantic and asexual) in 2/3/4/5/10 years”, that "everyone has a partner"or that they were sure “any month now you’ll work out you’re actually a straight girl and will have settled down with your future husband to pump out babies.”

Note that all of those have come from people in real life, face to face. If I listed all the things that have been said to me on the internet, I’d still be typing when the universe ends.

I have also been part of discussions about sexual orientations that did not include asexuality. They included pansexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, heterosexuality, but not asexuality. When I brought it up, I was told “That’s not a real orientation” or “(asexuals) are just deluded/repressed.”

I am invisible to the majority of people, so much so that when I come out I expect to spend over half an hour explaining what it is and answering basic questions. (not ones like “How does that effect you?”, but ones like “So you don’t like guys? Or girls?...Or guys?” and “So...you want to shag animals?”)

When I come out I also expect to be told something about me being impossible, or that I “Just haven’t met the right guy/girl/person yet.” Depending on the person I’m coming out to, I can also expect to be told “I’ll change your mind.”

Some of my friends, who I have previously come out to, still seem to forget that I am aromantic and asexual. I still have friends who try to ‘set me up’ with other people.****

I grew up without the words for who I am. I grew up not knowing how I felt could be normal. I grew up thinking, in a small section in the back of my brain, that I was a freak.

So I don’t know.

Does that count as oppression?

*For the record, No. I have not been raped, nor abused, nor am I afraid of sex. I just don’t feel the need for it. (also, if I had been, it’s probably not the sort of thing I’d want you to bring up in conversation. Just FYI.)

**I know it is. I’m not one though.

***You cannot choose your sexual orientation. Just like you cannot choose your natural hair colour. You can dye your hair, but you will always be naturally whatever colour you were born with.

****I’m sure it’s out of the goodness of their hearts. It’s still not cool. (apart from that one time a friend of mine trolled another friend by ‘trying to set him up’ with me. That was funny.)

Days 3 and 4 of 30 Day Asexuality Challenge.

Right, doing two days at once because I spent yesterday at a medieval tournament and then at a party, thus having no time to write a blog post.

3. How old were you when you realized you were asexual? What made you realize it?

I'd just turned 17 when I realised I was Asexual. Before that, I’d known I was different, known that the usual plans of ‘Get a job, find a husband and settle down with 2.5 kids’ weren’t what I was aiming for.* (For a while I actually assumed I was lesbian, mostly because I knew I wasn’t attracted to guys. At that stage it was “don’t want to shag guys, but you’ve got to want to shag someone so I must want to shag girls.” I dropped that idea fairly quickly though, since I could clearly feel it didn’t really fit. I then decided that I'd just live by myself, and fuck what the world thought.) I realised I was asexual because I came across the word, and googled it. The more I read about it, the more I realised “That’s me. That’s me that’s me that’s me, I’m not a freak.”

4. Do you identify as a part of the queer community? What communities do you identify with?

I reservedly identify with the queer community. That is, I identify more with the queer community than I do with the straight.

Other communities I identify with are the Ace community, fandom, and my uni community, particularly the Hive, which is my uni’s games design/animation club.

I identify with the ace community for obvious reasons. I identify with the ace community because there’s a whole bunch of people out there that know what I’m going though, that are probably struggling with the same things I am. There are people out there that, when I say “This makes no sense, wtf are people talking about?” will respond with “IKR? Have some cake** instead***”

 I identify with fandom because, at heart, I am an utter geek. I get excited by geeky things, and I do geeky things (like sew Cthulhu shaped scarves, and bake nyan cat cookies).

 I identify with my uni club because we’re just a bunch of people, studying games design and animation, who like to hang out and have fun together. We also do life drawing, which is a whole lot of fun as well as being required for our courses.

*I can remember a time in primary school where the class was talking about what we wanted ‘when we grew up’. There were the usual things, like what you wanted as a job, and then there was “What do you want your family to be like? What do you want your wedding to be like? How many kids do you want to have?” I can remember answering them with “I want to live either with some friends or by myself, in a house with a big library. I don’t want to get married. I don’t want a husband or wife. I don’t want kids.” I also remember talking with my teacher about my answer, a discussion which went along the lines of “You can’t live with your friends, and you shouldn’t live by yourself. You have to live with your husband. It’s good you want a library. When you grow up you’ll want to have a huge wedding. You can’t have a wife. You will want kids.” To which I responded “Just watch me. You can’t make me do anything.” I was a somewhat belligerent child.

** because I know there's a couple of people reading this who will not understand the significance of giving cake, specifically this one, let me try to explain.  On the AVEN boards many years ago, it was declared that 'Cake>sex'. Since then, cake has been offered as congratulations, in sympathy, when someone has done something particularly ace, when the sky is blue...

It's kinda an in-joke. (This also explains it somewhat.)

***Not to say that I don’t love it when my friends respond to me saying that with “Can we try and explain?” I do, and I thank them so much for doing that. It’s just nice to know that I’m not the only one totally befuddled by things which everyone is expected to know/feel/understand.

On asexuality, and my experience so far with growing up ace.

 Last year (2010, for those who are questioning), in September, I came across a new word. I didn’t know what it meant, and so I googled it.

That google search has been one of the best things I’ve ever done.

The word was Asexual, and as I read more and more about it I cried. I found out I wasn’t the only person feeling like I do about relationships and sex (i.e., I’m sure they’re nice. I’m good without it, thanks, but you guys do whatever you want*)

Before that, though, I lived life assuming something was wrong with me. It didn’t worry me too much**, but every so often, when friends were dating/talking about who they ‘liked’ or well meaning family members were hinting that I’d best start dating soon, there was a bit of me going “what’s wrong with me?! Why am I such a freak?’. It was a little bit of me, but it still existed.

It shouldn’t have. It’s not right that children grow up without the correct words to express how they feel. It’s not right that teens (and older) are made to feel like freaks because they don’t spend all their time/any of their time trying to shag anybody they can.

It’s not right that when we do find the words, discover we’re not freaks/broken/wrong, that people tell us that actually, we are. I’ve been told that I’ve got a disorder, that I don’t feel the way I do, that I’m just trying to be special/difficult, that I’m broken.

I’m not broken. And neither is any other asexual.

Deal with it.

*assuming it’s all safe, sane and consensual.

**it was more of a ‘yet another thing that sets me apart from the world. Fine, whatever, less bills to eventually pay. I’ll get a cat or something, and become that crazy aunt who turns up at family gatherings’