Of Pavlov, Buttons and Capybaras

There are a few warnings for this post, both about sexual content (it's vague, but it's there), and generally TMI about me and my relationship. It's also very tangential, as I kinda just wrote this on the fly.

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED


For the past while my zucchini and me have been working out what, exactly, we want out of this relationship and what we're willing to do.

This has been very, very slow and difficult going, not only because neither of us are particularly good at the whole 'talking about emotions and such' thing, but because the English language wasn't designed to have this sort  of conversation. In fact, we've found (I've found) that the English language is particularly bad when it comes to talking about anything which is non-normative at all, let alone feelings.

(I should probably explain right now that he's quite comfortably heteroromantic and heterosexual, whereas I, quite obviously, am comfortably aromantic and asexual. (Yes, I am aware of how strange it is that an aromantic asexual is willingly entering into a relationship which is both romantic and sexual*. However, it's working for us right now, and hopefully will continue working for us for the rest of our lives). As you can probably guess, this has lead to a few miscommunications and erronus assumptions on both our parts.)

The other night, it got to the point that we were adlibbing metaphors on the fly as we discussed what I wanted/felt and what he wanted and felt. One of these actually is useful for the both of us, so we're sticking with it for now. (I'll explain it in a bit, I promise). 

However. Before we discussed this, he was feeling a fair bit of turmoil as he was under the (incorrect) assumption that whatever feelings/sensations I'd receive from any more physical actions would be less than someone who was otherwise orientated (i.e. sexual) would recive from the same actions  (e.g., that if he were to preform an action which would normally be sexual for both parties, such as caressing a body part etc., that I would receive less sensation than someone who was equally sexual as him would), instead of different sensation to someone who was sexual.

As far as I understand it (feel free to correct me if I'm wrong/explain it better/put in your two cents/etc) and as far as I can conceptualise it, sexual people (and society as a whole) has a hierarchy of touch. At the bottom, you have the touches which you're expected to share with everyone you meet, like handshakes and pats on the shoulder and such. At the top, you have the ones which you're only meant to share with certain people (Shagging, etc.). This mostly coincides with the sensitivity of said location for touch (i.e., your nipples are far more sensitive to touch than your shoulders generally, etc.), along with the relative softness of the skin at that location. As it is a hierarchy, it is expected that you will want to have as much of the top 'ranked' actions as possible, and that you will value the top 'ranked' actions far above those at the bottom.

Most sexual people tend to have this hierarchy instinctively.

I don't. I have a line, instead.

On my line, there are still categories of touch, some of which are the same as society's. People, depending on how much I trust them, have access to categories. (S has access to all of them**, random stranger has access to one or none).

However. I don't place the same hierarchy on them that society does. Society wants everyone to try and get as much of as many 'top ranked'  actions as possible. I just want to get as many actions as possible. I don't care whether it's hugging, or cuddling, or kissing or whatever, I just want lots.

Quantity, not 'quality', is me. I want lots with the people I trust, and the actions become 'higher ranked' for me not by what they are but by who they're with. Thus, shaking hands with S is of a higher rank then hugging K. Something which ties into this is that, and I'm not sure if this is because I'm ace or because I'm just wired that way, I don't see most actions as inherently sexual. I see them more as "this feels good (SPAM THE ACTION)".

This leads to the metaphor I was talking about earlier. For S, who has, up till now, been in purely heterosexual romantic/sexual relationships, this is more than a little weird/different.

And this is where the Capybaras and Pavlov come in.

We used the metaphor that S was Pavlov, who so far has been dealing with experiments on dogs*** (experiments in this case standing in for romantic/physical relationships). Each dog had a huge control board of buttons which make it feel and do certain things. So, as far as Pavlov knows, push a particular button, dog gets hungry and eats. (standing in for sexual...ness. Yeah, my English is failing me, it's nearly 4 am)

However. This relationship is as if Pavlov (who done all his work with dogs and so knows, generally, how they react to having a particular button pushed) has just been given a Capybara.

Which, quite obviously, is not a dog. And Pavlov doesn't know how the Capybara will react when he pushes the button he pushed to get the dogs hungry. It might get hungry and eat, but it might also start dancing. (The Capybara, on the other hand, is just happy to have Pavlov paying attention to it, and so doesn't really care what buttons he tries to push. Both reactions are positive, anyway).

At this point I worried about S getting something out of the whole thing, because as he's stated before what he generally gets out of the more physical side of things (other than the pure physical stimulation) is causing pleasure in the other person. However, continuing the metaphor, he explained that Pavlov is just happy to get data, even if it's not the data he's got in the past.

Then, because we have this need (I. I have this need, and I drag S along with me) to extend metaphors far past their logical ending point, we started having the buttons stand in for causing pleasurable**** reactions in the other. Thus, it became a case of "(other) reacts well to this particular action. SPAM THE BUTTON!" Thus, as part of a nerdy, sewer-located joke, S commented that a Mortal Kombat line***** would have been appropriate at some points during his visit ( it was tangentially relevant too as a common tactic in the game for many players is "spam all the buttons").

There were some more bits added, but that's the basic summary of the metaphor. (I am aware it probably doesn't make much sense to anyone who is not me or S. I don't actually care, though I will attempt to explain in further detail if anyone wants to ask me questions in the comments section)




*This is another problem I've run into recently. How do you define when something is sexual? Sometimes, when me and S preform an action, like rubbing each other's backs, it is nonsexual in nature. Other times, it is sexual in nature. Other times, he finds it sexual and I don't. Yet, at the heart of it, it is the same action(s).
(I am aware the answer is probably "you just know", but I am not comfortable with this answer, because a couple of times it has gone from something that was distinctly not sexual to ...something that was, and I was not really aware of when that happened. (S, I know you're reading this. This is not a bad thing, more of a "Huh, I fail observation forever" thing, with me trying to look out for landmarks for next time)

**Nominally. At any given point, however, I may not allow him to do so. Much like he has a keypass to a building, but sometimes the building is locked and the keycard won't let him into said building. He still has the permission to enter the building, he just can't at that point in time.

***Not to say anything about his previous girlfriends. They're, as far as I know, very nice people.

****Not necessarily sexually pleasurable. This also extends to general hugging, and such.

*****If you can't work it out, I'm not telling you.

Of Vegetables and Termites

I have a zucchini.

I never thought I'd be lucky enough to find anyone, let alone the wonderful person I have found, let alone someone who understands that romance/sex is never really going to be on the table from the start. (eventually, we'll see. I suspect not, but I can't see the future.)

(By the way, for regular readers of my blog, I suspect none of you will be surprised to learn that my zucchini is S.)

However, this has lead to some unexpected issues.

The least of which is what the hell do I call what we're doing now?

We're not dating (not a romantic relationship, even if S assures me he doesn't expect it to be). It's not friendship, either. I hesitate to use the phrase 'more than friends', but we're not, strictly speaking, purely friends any more.

We're something other than both of these, and while I have a word (actually, I have a word and a phrase!)* to attempt to convey what we are to each other**, I don't have any words to explain what we are actually doing. (again, can't use dating. It's not the right word, and I have this strange need to attempt to label things).

One larger problem I have is the lack of visibility about said relationships. I went to my cousin's the other day, and nigh on the first thing I was asked was if I had a boyfriend.*** And I totally dodged the question. I was the roadrunner to the Wile E. Coyote of the question, that was how much I dodged it. (If I remember correctly, my answer was "How's uni?" Not the most subtle topic change, but it worked, so I'm counting that as a win.)

But as I was lying in bed last night, I got wondering. "How would I have answered that question?"**** I thought to myself. And the answer I received was "I don't know." I probably wouldn't have answered yes, because technically speaking I'm don't have a boyfriend. I will never have a boyfriend. Asking me if I will is like asking a fish if it will ever have a spaceship - mostly pointless.

However.

Society says that if you do not have a boy/girl friend*****, you have no important relationships in your life except those you have with your blood family. And, in my case (and others' cases), this is not true. And so saying "No, I do not have a SO." is generally taken to mean "I do not have a primary relationship outside my family."

And I'm not cool with that. I'm very much not cool with that. I have a primary relationship. I will not stand for people assuming I don't. I will not stand for people disregarding it. It is my relationship, and it is important to me. It is just as worthy of respect as any other.

So I can't answer "No, I do not have a boyfriend."

So my choices of answering is either taking the 3+ hours to explain first asexuality, second being aromantic, and third queer-platonic relationships (and fourth my own said relationship), or dodging the question.

A third, and more worrying, issue that I have recently become aware of, is the fact that  at least one of my friends does not, and has never, believed me about my orientation. The most worrying, and frustrating, thing about this is that she hasn't said so directly to me. (She has actually said so to S though. Which is so far beyond the pale it's not funny.(pro-tip: do not doubt a person's stated orientation. Pro-tip two: DO NOT DOUBT A  PERSON'S IDENTIFIED ORIENTATION. I don't care if it "doesn't make sense". I don't care what you think. Another person's orientation is not something you may have an opinion on. It is not a book, or a piece of art or a movie. IT IS THEIR ORIENTATION, and you must deal with that.)) Even if he wasn't my zucchini, and even if she wasn't assuming we were shagging (which she quite obviously is), this would still not be acceptable******. (Also the fact that I suspect she never intended for me to know that she didn't believe me. As if (what she is assuming) my 'boyfriend' wouldn't tell me. -_-)

It's the fact that she's passive aggressively doubting my orientation that's really pissing me off. (Although it does explain her reactions to my previous comments/linking on Facebook...) If she said she didn't believe me, I could take that. I already have taken it from other people, some who are much closer to me. Obviously, it's not the best state of affairs. It's still better than assuming she's supportive, and then finding out she's not. Now, there's a bit of me that wonders what else she doesn't believe me about. There's a rather large bit of me that wonders who else doesn't believe me, that wonders how many of my support pillars that I thought were strong are actually riddled with termites.

And I hate that. I hate that so much.

But, other than these issues, none of which are my zucchini's fault, I'm beyond ecstatic. I'm in (aromantic)love with the loveliest man on earth, and through some extreme luck he shares my feelings and is willing to wander down this unknown goat track of a path with me.


*Zucchini and queer-platonic life partner, respectively.

**even if only a tiny handful of people will ever understand what the hell I'm saying.

***There was a rather large bit of me that wanted to comment on the heteronomativity of that question, but I really couldn't deal with the fall out that'd potentially cause. My cousin would probably take it in the spirit I meant it (i.e., not as a confession of my sexuality but as a blanket statement), but my aunt certainly wouldn't.

****Assuming I was the type to actually answer a question like this when asked by my relatives or someone I don't know very well. as I'm not, it was really more a thought exercise than anything else.

*****I am aware of the binarism inherent in that statement, but it is the societal view. It is not my view.

******The fact that she is assuming we're shagging also really pisses me off. Because it means she was, in essence, congratulating my zucchini on "turning me" sexual. She also hadn't been informed (as far as I know) about us starting this relationship, and so was assuming based upon the fact that we were sitting together at a party (not an unusual thing for us). If she had been told, the only other people who knew also knew that he was my zucchini. So she was either drawing her own conclusions (again. this is not the first time she has assumed we were shagging), or she had it explained to her and then disregarded it.

o.o

I’m somewhat in shock at the moment, I think.

I’m also fairly sure I just came out to my mother, during a conversation about the Mana bar.

Later this week I’m going to the Mana bar with a friend, and I was informing her that I would be out late (i.e., that I couldn’t cook tea that night), and somehow the conversation came around to my nondrinking. This somehow lead to my brother’s future dating habits, and the fact that she wouldn’t care who he dated as long as he was happy. She then extended the sentiment to me, before (hesitantly) asking if “I have any preferences”. I said that I didn’t, and she kinda went silent for a while. Then she commented that she “Had no hope of intimidating your future partners, do I?”, and then said something along the lines of “as long as you’re happy.”

I'm still not sure how to react.

On the one hand, she took it well.

On the other, I'm ot actually sure how much she understands that I don't ever want a partner. I'm not sure if I have an actual coming out I still need to do.

But for now, I'm not looking a gift horse in the mouth.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 6

6. Have you faced oppression because of your asexuality, whether institutional or societal?

That depends on your definition of oppression.

If you define oppression as “being physically beaten or otherwise assaulted”, then no, I haven’t.

I have, however, been told by people who knew I identified as asexual that I was “Wrong”, “confused”, “sick”, that I “would grow out of it”, that I was “doing it to be ironic”, that “I didn’t seem like I’d been abused, but you could never tell”* , that “it’s ok to be a lesbian”** and that “You can’t be (asexual)”. I have been told that me being asexual and aromantic is “a waste”, “Scientifically unsound”, “immature”, “unhealthy”, “freakish” and showed “Religious dedication” (I’m nontheist). I have been asked “So why did you choose to be asexual then?”***, “So you’re afraid of sex?”* and “So you’ve been raped then?”*

I have come out to friends and been told that they’d “believe me if I was still (aromantic and asexual) in 2/3/4/5/10 years”, that "everyone has a partner"or that they were sure “any month now you’ll work out you’re actually a straight girl and will have settled down with your future husband to pump out babies.”

Note that all of those have come from people in real life, face to face. If I listed all the things that have been said to me on the internet, I’d still be typing when the universe ends.

I have also been part of discussions about sexual orientations that did not include asexuality. They included pansexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, heterosexuality, but not asexuality. When I brought it up, I was told “That’s not a real orientation” or “(asexuals) are just deluded/repressed.”

I am invisible to the majority of people, so much so that when I come out I expect to spend over half an hour explaining what it is and answering basic questions. (not ones like “How does that effect you?”, but ones like “So you don’t like guys? Or girls?...Or guys?” and “So...you want to shag animals?”)

When I come out I also expect to be told something about me being impossible, or that I “Just haven’t met the right guy/girl/person yet.” Depending on the person I’m coming out to, I can also expect to be told “I’ll change your mind.”

Some of my friends, who I have previously come out to, still seem to forget that I am aromantic and asexual. I still have friends who try to ‘set me up’ with other people.****

I grew up without the words for who I am. I grew up not knowing how I felt could be normal. I grew up thinking, in a small section in the back of my brain, that I was a freak.

So I don’t know.

Does that count as oppression?

*For the record, No. I have not been raped, nor abused, nor am I afraid of sex. I just don’t feel the need for it. (also, if I had been, it’s probably not the sort of thing I’d want you to bring up in conversation. Just FYI.)

**I know it is. I’m not one though.

***You cannot choose your sexual orientation. Just like you cannot choose your natural hair colour. You can dye your hair, but you will always be naturally whatever colour you were born with.

****I’m sure it’s out of the goodness of their hearts. It’s still not cool. (apart from that one time a friend of mine trolled another friend by ‘trying to set him up’ with me. That was funny.)

Sex and Relationships and Me.

Having read this post, I got thinking. And then I decided that I should state my position on sex and relationships, as it stands now.

I consider myself sex positive. (no, really)

I think people should be able to shag whoever and however they want, assuming it is both not harming anyone and fully consensual*. You want to shag in a bed in the missionary position with the lights off? That’s cool, you enjoy that. You want to shag dressed as horses? That’s cool too, don’t get fur in uncomfortable places. You want to shag on a wall, in a car, on the roof, six other people, one other person, a guy, a girl, someone(s) who aren’t binary identified? That’s cool, have fun.

My basic position when it comes to shagging is don’t make people nearby uncomfortable/involve people only by consent. That is, if you’re shagging in your own house, and it is just you and your partner(s) there? Have at it, go wild, whatever.

If you’re in a public place, think about the other people you could be making uncomfortable. Funnily enough, many people don’t like seeing total strangers (or even their friends) shagging or looking like they’re a layer of clothing from shagging. 

Basically, if it’s not your space, think before you shag. Public places are not the best place for a shag, because you are involving other people without their consent.

That’s not cool. That is really, really not good.

Other than that, go nuts! Have as much, or as little, sex as you want.

In my case, the amount of sex I want is none. That’s just as ok as someone who wants lots, which is just as ok as someone who wants a little, which is just as ok as...you get the idea.

Relationships though. There will be some people reading this who will go “But Bagheist, you said you would talk about relationships too!”

So I will.

I think people should be free to find whatever relationship(s) work for them. I think that we should view all relationships as valid, that we shouldn’t set up the hierarchy of relationships that we do** (look out for a post on this. I am currently mulling over it myself.) I think we shouldn’t lump actions into ‘appropriate for x relationship’ and ‘inappropriate for x relationship’. I also think we should have better words for our relationships. Ones that can actually express what we are to each other***

When I say that, I mean we shouldn’t lump actions into “for friends” and “for SO’s” (for example, hugging people for extended periods of time is usually lumped into “For SO’s only”.  I am not saying that every individual person groups actions this way, but in general, it is assumed that if people are hugging, they are dating/in a romantic relationship of some sort).

I think that the idea of having cuddle buddies and sports buddies and doctor who buddies and movie buddies and buddies for all sorts of things is fantastic. I think that people shouldn’t be told that “you will only get these things from this person, and getting them from anyone else is horrible and not accepted”. We should instead be saying “Find out what works for you. We’re all individuals, after all.”

And then, when people say “I have a girlfriend, and I have a friend who is a girl, and I hug both of them,**** and that works for us.” Society should not respond with “No. You cannot do that.” But with “Cool!”

I’m not actually sure just when I decided that the above was how I felt. As far as I know, I’ve always felt this way about relationships and sex.

And I think that’s because I never really understood the hang ups about them. I approach romantic relationships and sex from the point of view of “huh?”. To me,  all desire for sex is weird. I’m not going to say that “x type of sex is weirder than y”, because to me all of it is pretty weird.(Think about it. You are waggling your genitals around, and somehow society has decided that this means you (may) love someone.)

 I’m not saying people shouldn’t have sex. I’m saying that, while I may not feel the need, or even really understand the need, I accept that you do and encourage you to fulfil that need however best works for you (again, assuming consent and sanity. Run by Safe, Sane and Consensual).

To me, the desire for a romantic relationships is also weird. I actually don’t understand why. I accept that most people do want one, and I encourage them to find one or more that work for all involved. I wish you all the very best.

*People involved should also be actually able to give consent.

**In general, it seems to be expected that ‘Romantic and sexual relationship > romantic but not sexual relationship> family>friends>strangers on the street’. This doesn’t work for me, for obvious reasons.

***For example, I have a very close relationship with S. I would trust S with everything, and I know I can depend upon S to try to understand wtf I'm babbling about now. I have a less close relationship with G. There are some things I would not trust G with, not because G is untrustworthy, but because we are not that close and out relationship does not work like that. However, to outsiders, they are both my friends. I want words to express "This is S, who is my unrelated-brother-family-dearest-trustworthy-cuddle-buddy-support, and this is is G, who is my uni-mate-fellow-female-geek-friend-cooking-person", without spending half an hour explaining our relationships.

****Replace with whatever your relationships are.

I call bull.

Language warning for this post - there's a bit of swearing and generally angry words.

I have a group of friends, most of whom I know from high school. Several of them I don’t know from high school, but know because they are either dating said high school friends, or are friends of either high school friends or those they are dating. Anyway, I count all of them as my friends, whether or not I’ve spent years going to high school with them.

These people are among my closest friends. I’m out to all of them (at least, if they don’t know I’m Ace they really haven’t been paying attention. Whether or not they believe me is a separate matter.)

However, I’ve closer to some of them more than others. S*, in particular, is someone whom I’m very close to. Me and S often hug and or cuddle up together. I do this with several of my friends (we’re a very physical bunch), but it seems to be my interactions with S that people take exception to, along with my interactions with B**, another friend of mine who I am similarly close to.

Both S and B are male, although S is currently dating C and B is single.

I’ve had people inform me that me and B are dating, that me and S are dating, or that S is leading me on. I’ve had people imply that I’m shagging both of them (once it was implied that I was shagging both of them at the same time), I’ve had people assume we’re dating, I’ve had people assume that me and B are engaged/married/dating, and I’ve had people assume that me and S are dating. I’ve had people assume that me and S and S’s girlfriend are all dating, or that S’s girlfriend was covering for me dating S. I’ve had people assume that I’m cheating on S’s girlfriend with S, that I was cheating on B’s then-girlfriend with B, that I am pining for B and/or S, that B and/or S is/was pining for me.

I’ve had all of these things assumed or told to me, and I am fucking sick of it.

I am sick of being told that ‘no, your relationship does not work in my world view, so it is actually this’, of being told that my relationships aren’t ‘right’, that they aren’t ‘acceptable’, that I have to stop hugging my friends, that I have to stop receiving comfort from being in the presence of people who accept me, that I have to stop giving whatever comfort I can to those people because, and I quote, “It could be taken the wrong way”.  I am sick of being told “You are spending too much time with S/B”. I am sick of having to think about ‘how it would look’ whenever I do anything with them, about having to prepare to explain that no, just because we are sitting together/lying on top of each other/cuddling/talking quietly/hugging/in the same goddamn room, it does not mean we have romantic feelings for each other.

I am also sick of being forced to wonder if, if S and B were female, people would even give a damn.

I suspect they wouldn’t. It would be totally unremarkable that we were close friends, that we’ve fallen asleep on each other, that we derive comfort from being in physical contact. The fact that we know things about each other that many other people don’t would be unremarkable, the fact that I would trust them with both my life and my sanity (one of which I value far above the other) just a mark of friendship to be expected.  It wouldn’t be presumed that we were harbouring romantic feelings for each other (which is all other kinds of fucked up. Seriously people, if you’re going to presume romantic actions between two (or more!) people when they perform certain actions, do it for all occurrences of that action. Stop being so fucking heterosexist. Or, alternatively (and better yet!), stop assigning sexual motives to everything that is not explicitly*** sexual)

But, because they are male, suddenly all these things take on another meaning. Suddenly the only reason a female and a male would share these sorts of things, would trust each other like that is because they are in a ~romantic relationship~.

I call bullshit. And I’m going to keep calling bullshit until people stop assuming this.

*Name changed. If you can’t guess who this is, then you don’t need to know.

**You know what; assume all names have been changed. If you can’t work out who they are, you can either ask me if you know me IRL, or you don’t need to know.

***That is, if people are actually shagging, right that very second, then yeah, it’s sexual. If they’re not shagging right that second, then no, it’s not necessarily sexual. In fact, it probably isn’t. STOP MAKING IT ABOUT SHAGGING, YOU'RE ACTING LIKE BLOODY HORNY RABBITS.

The 30 Day Asexuality Challenge: Day Two

Right. Day two of the 30 Day Asexuality Challenge. I'm actually going to cheat a little here, and post the next two entries probably on the same day. This is because I'm probably not going to be able to access a computer long enough to write a blog post, and I can't type one up on my phone. (thus, expect the next two on Sunday, not tomorrow (Saturday).)

2. Are you out? To whom?


I’ve covered this before, but this’ll give me a chance to go over my reasoning again (and I want to write more on it).

I’m out to most people I know. I’m to most of my friends, because either they were there when I was working out I was Ace, they are dating people who were there, or because I trust them to know details about me (there are also people I’m out to because they asked me on a date/to date them*).

I’m out to some of my uni mates, because it came up in a discussion. I’d be out to all of them, but I can’t find a way of bringing it up in a discussion without it becoming a “talk”, which is not actually something I want to do.

I’m ‘out’ on facebook, which may or may not count. There’s not really a way to be very out on facebook, but I occasionally post ace related statuses/link to articles/like ace related things on it.

I’m out on the internet, because I fucking can be and if people don’t understand I can link them to Ace 101 resources (and if they’re being dicks, I can either leave that section of the internet or point them to marcos telling them how to remove their heads from their arses.)

I’m not out to my family, immediate or extended. I’m not out to my family friends either, nor to my parent’s friends.

I’m not out to my family because I’m not sure how they’ll take it. I think they’d take it well (my father more so than my mother or brother), but if they don’t, I’m fairly sure I wouldn’t cope well. I’m not out to any other the other people listed because there’s the high probability that it would get back to my family, and then there would be the “why didn’t you trust us” as well as the possible “you’re wrong/broken/lying/sick/damaged/too young to know/etc”.

I’m especially not out to my parents because my mother already is trying to pressure me into dating, and has stated numerous times that “dating makes you a better person. It makes you less selfish. Everyone needs to have a partner (preferably** one who is the opposite gender to you, expresses his gender in an acceptably ‘male’*** way, and around your age.)”

*This is possibly one of the most horrifically awkward ways to come out to someone. Twice. (There was the whole "I'm asexual, not interested in shagging you", followed by the discussion of "This says/I thought Asexuals still date." "I'm also Aromantic. No dice there.")

**She has stated, a few times now (more and more pointedly) that she wouldn’t mind if I brought home a girlfriend instead of a boyfriend. She has also stated her wish for grandkids, and that she would be slightly disappointed purely because the likelihood of me having kids would be lower. (which is totally ignoring my multiple insistences that I DON’T WANT KIDS EVER. I’m fairly sure she’s hoping I’ll fall accidentally pregnant at this point. :/)


***yeah. I’ve tried to get her to realise that gender does not work that way/prejudice is not good. It’s very slow going.

Surveys

So I filled out a research questionnaire today*, and a few of the questions struck me.

One of them was about “If you were having a personal/emotional problem how likely is it that you would seek help from the following?”

It then listed a whole bunch of people, including “girlfriend/boyfriend/partner”.

I was unsure how to answer here. I mean, I will most likely never have one of the above, so it is extremely unlikely that I’d seek help from them. On the other hand, if I did have one, I probably would seek help from them.

I was especially annoyed because the research team had tried so hard in other ways to be inclusive, such as not just having male/female as the choices for gender.

*This one, to be precise. They’re still looking for participants, so anyone aged between 14 and 25 who is currently living in Australia is encouraged to participate.

Inappropriate Humour

(This is the post I was going to write a few days ago.)

A short post on things I find hilarious (which I probably shouldn’t) about rom-coms.

1: People* kissing is an inherently funny thing to watch. Seriously. Look at the faces people pull, and the lip grabbing/tongue mashing. It’s like watching a couple of cats try to eat the same piece of peanut butter, minus the flailing claws and blood (usually).

2: Sex scenes are also hilarious to watch. Especially the ones where the bed/walls/surrounding furniture/etc is shaking, because I always imagine that just off camera is some person who is kneeling by the bed, putting their whole body into shaking it noticeably. Either that, or it’s on really greased wheels, and any second is about to go sliding across the room and through the wall/out the window.

3. The plots are mostly really crap. Watching crap movies is inherently funny, because picking apart plot holes is fun. (Mostly, they can be summed up as “Boy meets girl, both are dicks to each other, they realise they love each other, plot device gets in the way, true love prevails.” Occasionally, I will concede, they change the plot. Not often though.)

4. A lot of the “Romantic” things would actually be considered either really weird, extremely creepy, or both in real life. I often imagine how rom-coms would play out in real life, and then laugh at the thought of the gaols being full of rom-com protagonists. (Seriously, randomly turning up in people’s houses is not cute. Nor is stalking them.)

*People being people I don’t know personally/am not actually near. If I know them personally/am near them, then it’s either weird or cute, depending. Or annoying. (mostly the latter, particularly when I’m trying to talk to them.)

Tonight’s post was going to be on things I find hilarious about rom-coms (specifically that which I probably shouldn’t), but is instead about how not to piss people off when talking about their relationships.

Because some people need to be hit with the clue bat.

1: if someone is in a relationship, don’t imply they’re dating someone else.

  1.2: don’t imply they’re cheating on their partner.

     1.2.2: don’t imply they’re cheating on their partner multiple times.

     1.2.3: don’t imply they’re cheating on their partner while their partner is there.

     1.2.4: don’t imply they’re cheating on their partner with someone you know to be  aromantic.

2: don’t ask about trust issues in a relationship. Don’t imply there are ones. If there are, the people involved will tell you if they want you to know/think you should know/want your advice/ to use you as a sounding board.  If there aren’t, it’s seriously not ok to be implying there are trust issues.

In general, try to think about exactly what you’re saying/implying before you speak/type.

(You know that old saying about looking before you leap? There’s a reason for it.)

I have awesome friends

A quick post tonight, mostly on how lucky I am.

A friend of mine gave a necklace to his girlfriend last night, and was telling me about it via txt. He started his explanation with  “I’m not sure how much you get of it being a big thing”(with the implication being not that it was a bad thing, but more of a “am I saying this made my borogoves feel mimsy?”) .

I’m so lucky, because I have friends who’ll remember that I may not totally understand why exactly something’s important/what the hell they’re talking about (“borogoves feel mimsy”), but they’ll tell me anyway. And then, if I respond with “wtf is a borogove, and how does mimsy feel?”, they’ll take the time to try to explain exactly what a borogove is, and what mimsy is like.

So thank guys.

(the “borogoves feel mimsy” thing is totally stolen from Verbs_Not_Nouns, in hir essay here. I just saw it and thought it was a really fucking awesome explanation.)

On movies and romance and humour (or the lack thereof)

Watched a bunch of movies recently, and something struck me.

In movies, being “Alone” (caps fully intended) is (nearly) always positioned as both a temporary thing and a Bad Thing.

It’s presented that everyone actually just wants some loving relationship (tm)*, and no matter how ugly/weird/nerdy/strange/etc they are, the Right One is out there for them. And not only is this Significant Other (who is almost always the opposite (binary)gender to them) out there, but they will meet and fall in Love (tm) and, after a few mishaps, they will live in happy bliss for eternity/until they both cark it together in bed surrounded by adoring grandchildren.

You know who doesn’t get loved? Who doesn’t have a True Love (tm) with whom they’ll spend the rest of their days in happily romantic bliss? Villains. They don’t get happy endings, which usually include falling in love with their Significant Other and having their love returned**.

Admittedly, there are movies where the main character doesn’t get a True Love (tm), but usually in those sorts of movies the main character in question is either an animal, a child, or both. The most recent character I identified with(in regards to romantic attraction, at least) was Remy, from  Ratatouille. And Remy is a rat. (thus, the movie makers don’t ‘need’ to give him a love interest the same way they ‘need’ to give  Linguini one.)

There’s also a part in the plot where  Linguini and a fellow chef develop a romantic relationship and Remy is shown to be left out. This has been one of the few movies I’ve seen that didn’t (to me, at least) try to do the whole “Look, this/these characters are left out, but it’s ok, because THEY ARE SECONDARY RELATIONSHIPS/IT’S IMMATURE TO NOT WANT THINGS TO CHANGE/THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS***”. Instead, it shows how the deterioration of the bond between Remy and Linguini is actually a bad thing, and the movie ends happily**** after Remy and Linguini repair said bond.

This shouldn’t be such a rare thing in movies that friendship is prized, not under a romantic relationship, but as much as, and it’s not played for humour***.

I don't value my romantic relationships far above my friendships (not having any), and I'm lucky that some of my close friends don't seem to either (so far. It's early days yet for several of them). And it hurts when, over and over again, I'm told that I should, that I should accept that, if I'm not going to have a Relationship (tm)*, I'm going to be an after thought to everyone I will ever know. 

</rambling rant>

*Love(tm) and Relationship(tm) being a romantic relationship which is "acceptable" (i.e., heterosexual, monogamous, between two fully able (probably white) people/characters of the same species 

**As someone who plans to be “Alone” for the rest of my life, I’m sure you can guess how I feel about that.

***I’m looking at you, Lion King. “Can you feel the love tonight” indeed.

****Ish.