Of Vegetables and Termites

I have a zucchini.

I never thought I'd be lucky enough to find anyone, let alone the wonderful person I have found, let alone someone who understands that romance/sex is never really going to be on the table from the start. (eventually, we'll see. I suspect not, but I can't see the future.)

(By the way, for regular readers of my blog, I suspect none of you will be surprised to learn that my zucchini is S.)

However, this has lead to some unexpected issues.

The least of which is what the hell do I call what we're doing now?

We're not dating (not a romantic relationship, even if S assures me he doesn't expect it to be). It's not friendship, either. I hesitate to use the phrase 'more than friends', but we're not, strictly speaking, purely friends any more.

We're something other than both of these, and while I have a word (actually, I have a word and a phrase!)* to attempt to convey what we are to each other**, I don't have any words to explain what we are actually doing. (again, can't use dating. It's not the right word, and I have this strange need to attempt to label things).

One larger problem I have is the lack of visibility about said relationships. I went to my cousin's the other day, and nigh on the first thing I was asked was if I had a boyfriend.*** And I totally dodged the question. I was the roadrunner to the Wile E. Coyote of the question, that was how much I dodged it. (If I remember correctly, my answer was "How's uni?" Not the most subtle topic change, but it worked, so I'm counting that as a win.)

But as I was lying in bed last night, I got wondering. "How would I have answered that question?"**** I thought to myself. And the answer I received was "I don't know." I probably wouldn't have answered yes, because technically speaking I'm don't have a boyfriend. I will never have a boyfriend. Asking me if I will is like asking a fish if it will ever have a spaceship - mostly pointless.

However.

Society says that if you do not have a boy/girl friend*****, you have no important relationships in your life except those you have with your blood family. And, in my case (and others' cases), this is not true. And so saying "No, I do not have a SO." is generally taken to mean "I do not have a primary relationship outside my family."

And I'm not cool with that. I'm very much not cool with that. I have a primary relationship. I will not stand for people assuming I don't. I will not stand for people disregarding it. It is my relationship, and it is important to me. It is just as worthy of respect as any other.

So I can't answer "No, I do not have a boyfriend."

So my choices of answering is either taking the 3+ hours to explain first asexuality, second being aromantic, and third queer-platonic relationships (and fourth my own said relationship), or dodging the question.

A third, and more worrying, issue that I have recently become aware of, is the fact that  at least one of my friends does not, and has never, believed me about my orientation. The most worrying, and frustrating, thing about this is that she hasn't said so directly to me. (She has actually said so to S though. Which is so far beyond the pale it's not funny.(pro-tip: do not doubt a person's stated orientation. Pro-tip two: DO NOT DOUBT A  PERSON'S IDENTIFIED ORIENTATION. I don't care if it "doesn't make sense". I don't care what you think. Another person's orientation is not something you may have an opinion on. It is not a book, or a piece of art or a movie. IT IS THEIR ORIENTATION, and you must deal with that.)) Even if he wasn't my zucchini, and even if she wasn't assuming we were shagging (which she quite obviously is), this would still not be acceptable******. (Also the fact that I suspect she never intended for me to know that she didn't believe me. As if (what she is assuming) my 'boyfriend' wouldn't tell me. -_-)

It's the fact that she's passive aggressively doubting my orientation that's really pissing me off. (Although it does explain her reactions to my previous comments/linking on Facebook...) If she said she didn't believe me, I could take that. I already have taken it from other people, some who are much closer to me. Obviously, it's not the best state of affairs. It's still better than assuming she's supportive, and then finding out she's not. Now, there's a bit of me that wonders what else she doesn't believe me about. There's a rather large bit of me that wonders who else doesn't believe me, that wonders how many of my support pillars that I thought were strong are actually riddled with termites.

And I hate that. I hate that so much.

But, other than these issues, none of which are my zucchini's fault, I'm beyond ecstatic. I'm in (aromantic)love with the loveliest man on earth, and through some extreme luck he shares my feelings and is willing to wander down this unknown goat track of a path with me.


*Zucchini and queer-platonic life partner, respectively.

**even if only a tiny handful of people will ever understand what the hell I'm saying.

***There was a rather large bit of me that wanted to comment on the heteronomativity of that question, but I really couldn't deal with the fall out that'd potentially cause. My cousin would probably take it in the spirit I meant it (i.e., not as a confession of my sexuality but as a blanket statement), but my aunt certainly wouldn't.

****Assuming I was the type to actually answer a question like this when asked by my relatives or someone I don't know very well. as I'm not, it was really more a thought exercise than anything else.

*****I am aware of the binarism inherent in that statement, but it is the societal view. It is not my view.

******The fact that she is assuming we're shagging also really pisses me off. Because it means she was, in essence, congratulating my zucchini on "turning me" sexual. She also hadn't been informed (as far as I know) about us starting this relationship, and so was assuming based upon the fact that we were sitting together at a party (not an unusual thing for us). If she had been told, the only other people who knew also knew that he was my zucchini. So she was either drawing her own conclusions (again. this is not the first time she has assumed we were shagging), or she had it explained to her and then disregarded it.

"best friends"

As I have mentioned before, I don’t like the phrase “Best Friend(s)”.

I don’t like it because it seems to place (or imply) a hierarchical structure on friendship that I really don’t like. It seems to imply that you have (a) best friend(s), and then you have ‘lesser’ friends. I have very close friends, and then I have less close friends, but they are not inherently ‘better’ than each other. I am just closer to some of them, for various reasons.*

The phrase also seems to have a rigid structure of friendship implied, as if you have a friendship that ‘levels up’ once you have completed certain actions.** However, running with the gaming metaphor here, it is as if you can only have so many friendships of each ‘level’, and once you have reached the set amount you have no more slots for friends.***

Society seems to say that you cannot increase your number of friendship slots, you may only have certain people occupying certain slots (other gender? Restricted to level  ~4000 and below. Significant age difference? Level ~3500 and below. etc), and you must start all friendships at lvl 0, working your way up lineally to whatever level you attain. You may not skip levels, you may not do several at once, and you may not pass go and collect $200.

And I’m not cool with that. Everyone should feel free to have as many friends as they want to have, and not feel pressured to only have so many “best friends”/friends/etc. And friendships, relationships in general, don’t progress linearly. No two relationships are the same, so why do we act like they are?

Now, I’m not saying that everyone should have loads of friends. I certainly don’t, and I try not to be hypocritical. I’m saying that the amount of friends you want to have is the right amount of friends for you. If you want to have 50000 close friends, that’s really cool. If you want to have 2? That’s also really cool.

*This is why I use ‘close friends’. It does not presume a value judgement on either my friends or our relationship, but instead vaugly quantifies how close we are as friends. (think of it as plotting places on a map. Place A is closer to place B than it is to place Z. This does not mean that place A’s relationship is ‘better’ than place A and place Z’s, it just means that place A and place B are closer. (except that the metaphorical land distance is emotional distance, and there’s about a million other axes on which distance is measured)

**knowing each other’s names? Lvl 1. Knowing each other well enough that you can interpret their eyebrow wiggles into the entire English dictionary? Lvl 8002.

***in this metaphor, you’d only have room for one “best friend” (lvl >9000), and then more room for each successive ‘lower level’ friend. (i.e, you can have ~2 friends of ‘level’ 8999, and then 3 of lvl 700, and then 5 of lvl 600, and so on and so forth until you reach lvl 1, which would be acquaintances or something. You can have millions of those.

DnD

Tonight I played my first proper session of D&D with my group.  (Our DM runs a blog chronicling our adventures, go read it!)

It was awesome fun, even if I'm now infected with filth fever (got bitten by a dire rat. Along with our bard, who is a shardmind* and thus none of us can understand how the hell he's infected.)

But I want to talk about the gender distribution of our group and our characters, which is something I find really cool.

There's 6 of us playing (or will be, once our cleric recovers from surgery), plus our DM (who is S, for regular readers of this blog).  So, we've got fairly large group, most of whom have either never played or have played little.

The gender distribution of our group is 4 guys to 2 girls, plus our DM is also male. Considering the stereotypical group set up (mostly all male, maybe one female at the best of times), we're doing pretty well. I'm the only girl actually able to play at the moment (again. cleric's in the hospital), but once the cleric's joined us it'll be a little less unevenly gendered. (Not that this is actually a problem. The guys are all really awesome people, ones whom I'd be comfortable being the only girl in the group with.)


Anyway, the group's gender division is not the thing which I find really, really, really cool about it. What I find cool is the character’s gender divisions.

We've got a male shardmind bard, played by a guy (F), a male human fighter, played by a guy(T), a male halfling rouge, played by a guy (M), a female halfling wizard, played by a girl (me), and our cleric has neither a race nor a gender yet (or even a name. She just knows she's going to be a cleric).

We also have an undecided/gender neutral dragonborn sorcerer, played by a guy (W).

The fact that we can have a non-binary character, that no-one raised the "but that's not possible" argument , is fucking awesome. Yeah, we've had a few "too afraid to look" jokes. But none of them were serious. Not once was it actually doubted that someone (or in this case, some dragonborn) could not know their gender or not be either male or female. It wasn't even an issue. It was just "This is my character. They don't have a gender." "Alright, mine is male."

And for a group of people who, as far as I'm aware, have mostly little to no knowledge of queer issues and/or gender issues (our DM has some, as does W), that's fucking awesome. The fact that they could accept someone, albeit a fictional someone, not having a standard gender, gives me hope that someday the whole world will be just as accepting as they are.



*basically a swarm of living crystal, who takes humanoid form. He's jokingly called the group's pet rock.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 27

27. What is your favorite types of cake?


All types of cake are good!


I actually don't have a favourite flavor/type of cake. There's a different cake for every situation, and all are fun to bake.


What makes a cake awesome is having friends to share it with/feed it to.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 26

26. Who is your biggest ally?

To regular readers of this blog, this will come as no surprise. To those of you who have never read my blog, allow me to elucidate.

Without question, S (I have mentioned him before) is my biggest ally. Not only because he's there for me, and because he puts up with me randomly ranting/crying/breaking down/etc at him when people are stupid (on the internet or  off), and not only because he's my closest friend. 

No, he is also my biggest ally because he's willing to learn. If he doesn't understand a term/phrase/acronym, he asks respectfully. He treats me like a proper person, and he explains things I have no frame of reference for. He also manages to take into consideration my lack of understanding re: romantic/sexual desire, without being patronizing when he references it.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge, Day 25

25. What is the worst argument you’ve heard against asexuality?

Worst as in makes no sense: “No.”

(No what? No it doesn’t exist, no I’m not, no unicorns don’t exist?)

 Worst as in wtf are you talking about: “Asexuality is already in use as a word. You can’t give it another meaning.”

(I’m sorry, what? Have you not read the dictionary or spoken any common language ever?)

Worst as in why the hell would you even say that: “It’s ok if your abuse left you scared of relationships, but not all are like that.”

(Just. Why? Even if I had been abused, I would be asexual. I would also not want you to goddamn mention it in public.

Also, the implication in this (that the only people who consider themselves asexual have been abused), is all kinds of horrifying. Stop it now.)

Worst as in hurt me: “You can’t be. You’ll never be happy, and I just want you to be happy.”

(Worst because it was a (at the time) very close friend who said it.)

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 20

20. Tell us about your partner(s). If you are not in a (romantic) relationship, tell us about your best friend(s).

I’m lucky enough to have multiple close* friends, some of whom I’ve written about before.

S is one of them, even though we have known each other for a relatively short time compared to most of my other friends. S is the person who I can turn to when I’m not feeling the best and who will always make me feel better. He’s the person whom I can rant at and who will know not to take it personally (or agree with me). He’s the person I can cuddle and lean against, he’s the person who feels safe and real when I’m reality checking and he’s possibly the person I trust the most. He’s the first person who’s accepted me as me with no reservations, and he’s the person who’ll cheer with me over the victories, big or little.

B is also a dear friend of mine, although I don’t see him nearly as much as I wish I did. B is the person who went with me through high school, debating in maths in the lower years and being the subject of rumours with me. He’s the other person I can cuddle, and he’s the one who’ll debate obscure philosophy with me. He’s the person who came around to who I am, after many a talk and link spamming.

D, also, is a dear friend of mine. D is the person who sat with me in graphics class, who geeks out with me, who’s trolled through supanova every year with me, who changed my hair colour because she felt like it, and who is one of the reasons my friendship group has grown substantially. She’s one of the people I first came out to, and she’s one of the people who’ve mostly just accepted me being my weird self.

W is another close friend I don’t see enough. He’s the second most accepting person I know, and he’s the one I’ve had long talks with on relationships and societal expectations and kink. He’s also the one who’s joined me in long competitions of who’s the most seedy/ can say the most seedy thing without blatantly stating it. He’s the one who stayed up with me for most of a night when two people we know were high as kites, and helped me look after them.

As well as the above people, I have several other close friends. However, this is the point at which I feel like I’ve shared enough about my relationships for now with the world, and will instead end with a heartfelt statement.

To all the friends in the world, and especially mine; Thank You for being there. You will never know how much you mean to others.

*I really don’t like the phrase ‘best friends’, as I have seen it used to place what I consider unnecessary hierarchical structures on friendship (young girls are very, very good at this sort of thing), used to shame people (again, young girls are good at this) and demean friendship. The phrase also doesn’t really make all that much sense.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 19

19. What do relationships mean to you?

Ah, that’s a tough one.

On the one hand, they mean having people who know me, whom I can turn to for help or guidance or to share with. They mean having hope that I won’t be forever alone, that I’m not going to become a statistic. They mean having people I care about, having friends and people for whom friend is too weak a word, having people whom I can ask “wtf are borogroves? Also what’s mimsy, and this word, and describe this, also why?”  and know they won’t laugh maliciously, having people whom I can curl up with, having people whom I can hug and have physical contact with, having people who care.

They mean having some place to crash when I need to, having a kind ear to whisper in, a breath of fresh air when life seems stagnant and a warm hug to burrow into. They mean protection and safety, and they mean are people whom I try my utmost to protect. They mean curiosity and companionship and having someone to feed experimental cooking. They mean truth and freedom and being myself, who ever that is.

On the other hand, relationships also mean having to lie to some people for fear of the possible consequences of the truth. They mean being put down, not being able to understand, being misrepresented and not trusted. They mean feeling alone and awkward,  even in groups. They mean knowing I’m the odd one out, and always will be. They mean being accidentally hurt, and deliberately hurt. They mean being told I’m wrong or sick, they mean feeling broken. They mean worry and stress and heartbreak and sorrow. They mean putting up with things because people “don’t really mean it”. The mean justifying things to myself that I really shouldn’t, they mean being dumped in the deep end and left to drown. They mean feeling used and betrayed and weak. They mean being afraid, both of myself and others.

Mostly though, they mean safety and companionship. And that’s all I really want.

On how not dating doesn't make it easier

Last night I was at a gathering of friends, and at some point someone said something to me, which I want to address. What was said to me, completely seriously, was “I wish I was like you.  You must have it so easy, not dating and stuff.”

Which. No. Just no.

I get that romantic relationships are hard. Seriously, I do. I’ve watched enough friends get emotionally screwed over by them to get the message that ‘hey, these are hard’.

However. I would like to humbly point out that at least romantic relationships are generally understood by society. We are told by society that “these are good. These are ok. These are what you will have/want to have”. When someone says “I am having issues with my romantic relationship”, they can expect a response of along the lines of “D:”. When people want their significant other invited along, it is taken for granted that they can come to nigh on any social gathering. Society re-affirms that ‘this is a relationship to be prized’ in a million different ways: hospitals let SO’s in to visit before friends( and sometimes family), medical forms have a slot for SO, legal issues are understood to be the SO’s purview if you cannot respond, etc etc. If you do not want a romantic relationship, you are in the minority.

The kinds of relationships I want? Not so much. I want bits of things which could be considered romantic relationships (cuddling, emotional intimacy, some form of acknowledgement from all parties in the relationship that it is important, possibly someone to share a house with, general company), but not all bits of a romantic relationship (kissing, exclusivity, the bits which are...romantic? IDK, this is where I get bloody lost when describing what I want.*).

But  the message I get from society in regards to what I want as my primary relationship(s) is “No.”

Not “maybe”, not “hmmm”, just “No.” Maybe with a liberal smattering of either “You freak” or “wtf, no.”

If I want to fill out a form at some point in the future, after I have moved out of home, I’m going to have to think long and hard about who can be my emergency contact. Because the people I’d ask aren’t related to me, and that can be more than a little iffy legally speaking. If I do end up moving in with my closest friend like I’m hoping to, I expect to have to spend much time explaining that “no, our relationship is not x. Seriously. No, really.”**

Speaking hypothetically now, if this relationship dies, breaks up or otherwise has issues, I actually have basically no hope of being taken seriously when I get upset. I have no guarantee that I will not be told to “man up”, that my emotional reaction will not be relegated to the basket of “over-reacting, it was just a friendship”.

The thought of losing this relationship, the thought of that happening is possibly one of the most terrifying things I can imagine.***

So please. Don’t tell me that “I’ve got it easier”. It will make me very likely to punch you, and then laugh hysterically.

Another thing that will probably cause me to laugh hysterically while jumping on your corpse is telling me that “I’m lucky to be able to figure my relationships out from scratch” or that “I should be happy I’m creating my own relationships”.

As Sciatrix puts it here; “I’d have preferred to not have to put all my emotional eggs in an experimental basket, given the choice.”

Because as it is? As it is, standard relationships are basically “Here are your emotional eggs. This is the box you get to put them in. Isn’t it nice and re-inforced? We’ve made it from titamium and shit, it’s pretty cool. Look, you can like drop it and 90% of the time your eggs’ll be fine. And if they break, it’s probably not your fault, there must have been a problem with the box.”

My relationships, on the other hand, are more “So, here are your eggs. And you remember hearing about that box everyone else gets? You don’t get one. But you do get this one. We’re not sure what it’s made of. Could be bloody Graphene, could be straw. We don’t know. And by the way, you don’t get to see the box, so you can’t fix any holes it might have. Nor do you get to see other people’s boxes, because that would be cheating or something. We also haven’t tested it, because that’s your job. Safe? ‘Course not. Oh yeah, and some of us are going to try jumping up and down on your box with the eggs in it, just to see what happens. And then maybe we’ll throw them at the wall, and set ‘em on fire or shit, who knows. It’ll be awesome. And just remember, if your eggs break it’s all your fault.”****

And that? That’s fucking terrifying some days.

*The sheer fact that I need to describe what I want points out that ‘hey, all relationships are hard’.

**If I can be bothered. I’m fairly sure I’ll just let people assume whatever the fuck they want, up until the point it starts harming my friends. At which point I will take actions to make sure it stops.

***The fact that I have had nightmares about that very thing happening should possibly tell you something. Seriously, the image of a retreating back has never been worse.

****So that metaphor kinda got away from me there a bit.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Days 14 - 17

And, having finally had access to a computer, have the last 4 updates at once.

14. Tell us about a time you met another asexual, whether in real life or online.

The first time I met another ace offline, it was a friend’s girlfriend. A group of us were watching a couple of Ghibli movies together at a local cinema, and so we didn’t really talk much.

Unfortunately for my friend and his girlfriend, she worked out she was actually* ace after they started dating each other, and they’ve since stopped dating (not because of her being ace, but because of other, somewhat related issues.)

Her identifying as ace before they started dating also meant that said friend didn’t believe me** when I came out to him.

Funnily enough, he’s now one of my biggest allies.

15. Your favourite asexual character/celebrity/person.

The 11^th doctor, because Matt Smith said it himself.

Favourite celebrity is Emilie Autumn, because she makes awesome music.

16. Your favourite “asexual” book (as in, sex and/or romance are not the main focus).

Uhhh...thinking through all the books, romance tends to be, if not the main point, a fairly major one. Hmmm... favourite book would have to be Good Omens, by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman.

17. Your favourite “asexual” movie.

That rules out nearly all Disney movies immediately.

So....movies that don’t have romance as a major plot point. Surprisingly hard to think of one. (For those playing at home, try listing as many movies as you can that have no romantic relationships in them. It’s bloody difficult.)

So, anyway. Favourite ace movie would have to be... Watership Down.

*She’d identified as an aromantic ace for three years, then started dating him, and then realised she was actually a heteroromantic ace.

**If I’m remembering correctly, he said something along the lines of “(girlfriend’s name) thought she was asexual, and now she’s dating me. I think all asexuals actually just haven’t dated the right person yet. Besides, everyone’s got a partner out there somewhere.”

*Hugs*

So I hug people. A lot. I used to not hug people, and shrug off people touching me in general.*

Now, however, I am quite a physical person. I always have been, on reflection. There was a few years when I didn’t like other people touching me, but even then I’d still hug people. They just couldn’t hug me back/start the hug.

Anyway. I’m quite a physical person, and so are my group of friends. We’re the ones who go to parties and end up sitting and lying all over each other. We’re those people who end up in massive dogpiles in the park, who think nothing of grabbing one another by the hips and pulling each other onto our laps, regardless of gender and relationship status.

We’re the ones who greet each other with hugs, and thus take five or so minutes to either arrive or depart a place because everyone needs to hugs everyone else.

There is a lot of hugging, is what I’m saying.

Which is very good for me, because otherwise I’d be very touch starved.

Not that my family doesn’t hug, or have physical contact. We do, I just get different things from hugging my family and hugging my friends (and hugging strangers).

Hugging my family is...well, it’s hugging my family. I may not like them very much sometimes, but they’re my family, and so I have** to.

But hugging my friends is so much more than that. Hugging between us can be an expression of greeting, of happiness, of sympathy, of support, of farewell, of comfort, of strength or weakness or platonic love or gratitude or encouragement or...

We say a lot with our hugs. We say a lot with our bodies, actually, which is something I find fascinating for all sorts of reasons. (Even my guy friends are remarkably free with their bodies, both with us girls and with each other. I’m not sure how many heterosexual teenaged guys would willingly hug multiple other guys, let alone sit on their laps/ lie on them/hang off them. I’d be willing to bet not all that many.)

We say a lot, and I’m really grateful to all my friends for doing so. I’m grateful that not only will they put up with me hugging them or grabbing them or lying on them or cuddling up to them, but they will also seek that out with me.  I’m grateful that, when someone in our group hugs someone else, everyone will (usually) make no comment. I’m grateful that, if someone from outside the group was to make a derogatory comment about how physical we are, I can be confident that the group will not act ashamed, but tell the haters to STFU. And then indulge in some more hugging, probably while lying on each other (and cracking jokes).

I’m grateful that, amongst most of my friends at least, I can indicate that I wish to cuddle them and it will not be taken in a sexual manner.

That, from my experience, is really rare.

And I’m not sure why.

I don’t understand, exactly, the societal pressures and decisions that say “this is not acceptable. You may not do these actions with these people. “ To me, it all seems to be saying “You see these things? These things you really enjoy, which hurt no-one and can actually provide comfort to others and/or yourself?  You can’t do them. Why not? Because we said so.” And the ‘because we said so’ seems to be the only reason people can give me when I question them on why, exactly, it is ‘unseemly’ for me to be hugging a friend of mine, regardless of gender.

I’ve never dealt well with not being given what I see as valid reasons, nor with being told what (not) to do.

Besides that, if I followed the ‘rules’, which seem to be “You may hug for under a minute anyone who is your own gender, or your family (if you are female, if you are male the only person you may hug is your SO, or possibly your mother). You may cuddle with your SO (and no one else). You may lie on your SO (and no one else). You may hold your SO’s hand, and that is the only person who’s hand you may hold, excluding those under the age of 10. You may only kiss someone else on the cheek if they are either A: your SO or B: an adult whom you are greeting (assuming you are an adult, if you are not you are to be expected to kiss anyone related to you as soon as they proffer their cheek.) You may not be physically affectionate with anyone whom you are not either related to or intending to shag.”, I’d be totally unable to touch anyone I wasn’t related to.

And then I’d be more than mildly touch deprived, and touch deprivation isn’t a good thing.***

For me, at least, being that physically close and that free with myself and touching other people is also a gesture of trust. Every time I hug one of my friends, I’m trusting them with whatever my emotional state is at the time. Sometimes, that’s not hard.

Sometimes, I think Hercules had it easier.

*yeah, another issue of mine. This one I got over though. Now I’m possibly one of the most likely people to hug anyone. Weird how these things work, isn’t it?

**well, I don’t have to. I could not, and then cause lots of ‘discussion’ and hurt feeling and resentment and stuff I don’t want to deal with. Hugging them is easier. And most of the time I like hugging them.

***Seriously. Google it.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 11

11. If you’re out, talk about the most accepting person you’ve come out to. If you’re not out, talk about what you would hope a coming out experience would be like.

Funnily enough, the most accepting person I’m out to I didn’t actually come out to (It’s S, by the way. I have mentioned him before). A mutual friend (who is possibly one of the other most accepting people I’m out to, if not the second most accepting person*) outed me to him.

Before someone points out that involuntarily outing me to someone is not the most accepting thing to do, know that I had discussed being out/outed with this mutual friend (henceforth known as W), and had said I didn’t really care who I was out to as long as it didn’t get back to my family (beyond the reasons that I’m not out to them yet, I also think that when I come out I want to do so on my terms and not someone else’s).

Anyway, W outed me to S while explaining the joke he’d played on A, which was something about ‘setting us up’. This was during the period where S and I had lost contact, and so when we got back into contact S already knew which way I (don’t) swing.

(Interestingly enough, I didn’t realise that I hadn’t come out to S until recently. I realised that I had no memory of outing myself to him, commented on that lack of memory, and then he pointed out that I actually hadn’t come out to him. If I recall correctly, my reaction to that was “oops.”**)

But yeah, S is probably the most accepting person I’m out to. He’s the person who’ll turn to me during romantic moments in movies/discussions of the wanting thereof and say “borogoves?”, and he’s the one who’ll laugh with me when people think we’re dating (when we’re both not getting annoyed by said presumptions). He’s the one who I can ask questions such as “explain hotness” and he’s the one who actually answers them.

He’s the one who I think of as my unrelated-by-blood brother, and he’s among my top  three most precious people. Without him, I’d probably be far less stable then I am.

He also reads this blog.

Thank you, S. I’m not sure you’ll ever understand just how much you mean to me.

* we’ve had many a D&M about relationships and what we want from them/why/etc. He's also one of the people who have asked questions in a manner which haven't been overtly prying but rather honestly trying to understand.

**...and I just realised that if W hadn’t outed me to S, I would have outed myself to him when I basically broke down over msn because of the Privilege Denying Asexual debacle. In retrospect, it’s an even better thing that W outed me to S.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 6

6. Have you faced oppression because of your asexuality, whether institutional or societal?

That depends on your definition of oppression.

If you define oppression as “being physically beaten or otherwise assaulted”, then no, I haven’t.

I have, however, been told by people who knew I identified as asexual that I was “Wrong”, “confused”, “sick”, that I “would grow out of it”, that I was “doing it to be ironic”, that “I didn’t seem like I’d been abused, but you could never tell”* , that “it’s ok to be a lesbian”** and that “You can’t be (asexual)”. I have been told that me being asexual and aromantic is “a waste”, “Scientifically unsound”, “immature”, “unhealthy”, “freakish” and showed “Religious dedication” (I’m nontheist). I have been asked “So why did you choose to be asexual then?”***, “So you’re afraid of sex?”* and “So you’ve been raped then?”*

I have come out to friends and been told that they’d “believe me if I was still (aromantic and asexual) in 2/3/4/5/10 years”, that "everyone has a partner"or that they were sure “any month now you’ll work out you’re actually a straight girl and will have settled down with your future husband to pump out babies.”

Note that all of those have come from people in real life, face to face. If I listed all the things that have been said to me on the internet, I’d still be typing when the universe ends.

I have also been part of discussions about sexual orientations that did not include asexuality. They included pansexuality, bisexuality, homosexuality, heterosexuality, but not asexuality. When I brought it up, I was told “That’s not a real orientation” or “(asexuals) are just deluded/repressed.”

I am invisible to the majority of people, so much so that when I come out I expect to spend over half an hour explaining what it is and answering basic questions. (not ones like “How does that effect you?”, but ones like “So you don’t like guys? Or girls?...Or guys?” and “So...you want to shag animals?”)

When I come out I also expect to be told something about me being impossible, or that I “Just haven’t met the right guy/girl/person yet.” Depending on the person I’m coming out to, I can also expect to be told “I’ll change your mind.”

Some of my friends, who I have previously come out to, still seem to forget that I am aromantic and asexual. I still have friends who try to ‘set me up’ with other people.****

I grew up without the words for who I am. I grew up not knowing how I felt could be normal. I grew up thinking, in a small section in the back of my brain, that I was a freak.

So I don’t know.

Does that count as oppression?

*For the record, No. I have not been raped, nor abused, nor am I afraid of sex. I just don’t feel the need for it. (also, if I had been, it’s probably not the sort of thing I’d want you to bring up in conversation. Just FYI.)

**I know it is. I’m not one though.

***You cannot choose your sexual orientation. Just like you cannot choose your natural hair colour. You can dye your hair, but you will always be naturally whatever colour you were born with.

****I’m sure it’s out of the goodness of their hearts. It’s still not cool. (apart from that one time a friend of mine trolled another friend by ‘trying to set him up’ with me. That was funny.)

Sex and Relationships and Me.

Having read this post, I got thinking. And then I decided that I should state my position on sex and relationships, as it stands now.

I consider myself sex positive. (no, really)

I think people should be able to shag whoever and however they want, assuming it is both not harming anyone and fully consensual*. You want to shag in a bed in the missionary position with the lights off? That’s cool, you enjoy that. You want to shag dressed as horses? That’s cool too, don’t get fur in uncomfortable places. You want to shag on a wall, in a car, on the roof, six other people, one other person, a guy, a girl, someone(s) who aren’t binary identified? That’s cool, have fun.

My basic position when it comes to shagging is don’t make people nearby uncomfortable/involve people only by consent. That is, if you’re shagging in your own house, and it is just you and your partner(s) there? Have at it, go wild, whatever.

If you’re in a public place, think about the other people you could be making uncomfortable. Funnily enough, many people don’t like seeing total strangers (or even their friends) shagging or looking like they’re a layer of clothing from shagging. 

Basically, if it’s not your space, think before you shag. Public places are not the best place for a shag, because you are involving other people without their consent.

That’s not cool. That is really, really not good.

Other than that, go nuts! Have as much, or as little, sex as you want.

In my case, the amount of sex I want is none. That’s just as ok as someone who wants lots, which is just as ok as someone who wants a little, which is just as ok as...you get the idea.

Relationships though. There will be some people reading this who will go “But Bagheist, you said you would talk about relationships too!”

So I will.

I think people should be free to find whatever relationship(s) work for them. I think that we should view all relationships as valid, that we shouldn’t set up the hierarchy of relationships that we do** (look out for a post on this. I am currently mulling over it myself.) I think we shouldn’t lump actions into ‘appropriate for x relationship’ and ‘inappropriate for x relationship’. I also think we should have better words for our relationships. Ones that can actually express what we are to each other***

When I say that, I mean we shouldn’t lump actions into “for friends” and “for SO’s” (for example, hugging people for extended periods of time is usually lumped into “For SO’s only”.  I am not saying that every individual person groups actions this way, but in general, it is assumed that if people are hugging, they are dating/in a romantic relationship of some sort).

I think that the idea of having cuddle buddies and sports buddies and doctor who buddies and movie buddies and buddies for all sorts of things is fantastic. I think that people shouldn’t be told that “you will only get these things from this person, and getting them from anyone else is horrible and not accepted”. We should instead be saying “Find out what works for you. We’re all individuals, after all.”

And then, when people say “I have a girlfriend, and I have a friend who is a girl, and I hug both of them,**** and that works for us.” Society should not respond with “No. You cannot do that.” But with “Cool!”

I’m not actually sure just when I decided that the above was how I felt. As far as I know, I’ve always felt this way about relationships and sex.

And I think that’s because I never really understood the hang ups about them. I approach romantic relationships and sex from the point of view of “huh?”. To me,  all desire for sex is weird. I’m not going to say that “x type of sex is weirder than y”, because to me all of it is pretty weird.(Think about it. You are waggling your genitals around, and somehow society has decided that this means you (may) love someone.)

 I’m not saying people shouldn’t have sex. I’m saying that, while I may not feel the need, or even really understand the need, I accept that you do and encourage you to fulfil that need however best works for you (again, assuming consent and sanity. Run by Safe, Sane and Consensual).

To me, the desire for a romantic relationships is also weird. I actually don’t understand why. I accept that most people do want one, and I encourage them to find one or more that work for all involved. I wish you all the very best.

*People involved should also be actually able to give consent.

**In general, it seems to be expected that ‘Romantic and sexual relationship > romantic but not sexual relationship> family>friends>strangers on the street’. This doesn’t work for me, for obvious reasons.

***For example, I have a very close relationship with S. I would trust S with everything, and I know I can depend upon S to try to understand wtf I'm babbling about now. I have a less close relationship with G. There are some things I would not trust G with, not because G is untrustworthy, but because we are not that close and out relationship does not work like that. However, to outsiders, they are both my friends. I want words to express "This is S, who is my unrelated-brother-family-dearest-trustworthy-cuddle-buddy-support, and this is is G, who is my uni-mate-fellow-female-geek-friend-cooking-person", without spending half an hour explaining our relationships.

****Replace with whatever your relationships are.

30 Day Asexuality Challenge; Day 5

5. Tell the story of the first person you came out to.

I actually came out to two people at once the first time I came out.  They’d been there when I was actually working out I was Asexual and Aromantic, so it wasn’t as surprising to them as it has been to some people I’ve come out to.

However, the story of my first coming out needs a little backstory.

I first learnt of asexuality just after the first episode of ‘Sherlock’ aired in the UK, which, now that I look back on it, was late July (I’ve always remembered it as being around September, probably because of reasons in this post). I was unfamiliar with the term, and so, like any modern person with access to the internet, I googled it.

The first result was AVEN (I’m not sure if it still is). I clicked on it, and then spent the next few hours reading everything I could. I then spent the next few days reading more about asexuality whenever I had unfettered access to the internet.

For those first few weeks, I didn’t actually totally identify as asexual. I’m not sure why, but if I can boil down my thought process it was something along the lines of “There’s no way that all these people can feel the same way as me. I must be wrong about myself. What if I’m actually just a freak?” etc etc.

It wasn’t logical, but there you go. I never claimed to be all that logical.

Anyway, I eventually decided that yeah, I actually was asexual, not broken, and began ‘feeling out’ what that meant to me. (I’m still working that out, by the way. I suspect I always will be.)For those trying to keep track, I decided that I was actually asexual and aromantic (probably) around the end of august.

And then I did nothing.

Well, ok, I exaggerate a bit. I read more AVEN boards, and lurked around there. I read some blogs, and generally lurked around the asexual sections of the internet. But I didn’t talk to any of my friends about it, and I certainly didn’t talk to my parents about it.

Anyway, I would have gone along like this for a fair bit longer, if it weren’t for Asexual Awareness Week. I say a mention of it on one of the boards I was reading, and got curious. Then I read about it. Then I thought about it. Then I read some more. And then it was Asexual awareness week, and I couldn’t let it go by without mentioning it to someone, even if they didn’t know exactly why I was talking about it.

So I wished a few of my friends happy asexual awareness week, explained very broadly what asexuality was, and thought nothing more of it.

And then it got to nearly mid way through the last term (September, hence why I remember discovering I was asexual in September last year), and I decided that ‘fuck it, I’m coming out, and if my friends don’t react well I've only got a few more weeks left at high school anyway. I’ll make new friends at uni.’

So decided, I came out to everyone I knew, and all the other people at my school. 

With a parade and flowers. And unicorns. Ridden by flaming longcats who summoned Cthulhu by beating drums made from the skins of dead trolls.

(if you believe that, I’ve got an opera house to sell you!)

Honestly though, I decided I’d come out and then didn’t for a few weeks. Every day, I’d wake up, think to myself ‘today is the day! Today, you LEAP out of that closet*’ and then spend the rest of the day...not leaping.

Eventually I did come out (obviously), but I did so at a time and location that was possibly not the best I could have chosen.

I actually came out to two of my friends halfway through a graphics class. Right in the middle of the classroom. While the room was in near dead silence.

Yeah. I’m not quite sure how I managed that either.

Anyway, I came out mid-conversation. We were talking about...something. I’m not actually sure anymore, it could have been the price of honey in 14^th century Russia for all I know. So we were talking, and then we got onto relationships, and then we were talking about what we wanted for the future and then...I realised. ‘There will never be a better conversation for this. DO IT NOW’.

So I did.

I can remember saying to D** and M** that actually, I didn’t want to get married, or have a partner. I’m fairly sure I said something along the lines of “I’m actually asexual. An Aromantic asexual to be exact. I’m fairly sure you guys didn’t know that – now can we move on to D’s wedding train made from ducks?”

So, I was feeling pretty unsure of myself then. And then my friends, who are wonderful people, just looked at me. And then they said “We know. That’s cool. D’s wedding train will be made entirely from ducks, tied together with ribbon.”***

I was touched, and also slightly flabbergasted. How had they known? How long had they known? I asked them, and the replied that it’d been “Fairly obvious  since you’d wished us a happy asexual awareness week****”

So that was my first coming out. In the middle of a class, to two of my friends.

*So I still haven’t leapt out of the closet. I’m not actually sure if it’s possible. littlepaperfrogs has a good article on it here. I’m just lucky that I’ve got a few people passing me lamps down here in the basement.

**Again, names changed. Don’t know, ask me and you may find out.

***I’m making the conversation up a bit here. I’m not actually sure what we were talking about to do with relationships. However, the image of this particular friend with a train of ducks as her wedding train is kind of hilarious.

****This makes me wonder why my mother doesn’t know I’m asexual- I wished her a happy asexual awareness week. Admittedly, her reaction to that is part of the reason I’m not out to her yet****, but still.

*****Let’s just say the DSM was discussed, and leave it at that.