Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Tonight’s post was going to be on things I find hilarious about rom-coms (specifically that which I probably shouldn’t), but is instead about how not to piss people off when talking about their relationships.

Because some people need to be hit with the clue bat.

1: if someone is in a relationship, don’t imply they’re dating someone else.

  1.2: don’t imply they’re cheating on their partner.

     1.2.2: don’t imply they’re cheating on their partner multiple times.

     1.2.3: don’t imply they’re cheating on their partner while their partner is there.

     1.2.4: don’t imply they’re cheating on their partner with someone you know to be  aromantic.

2: don’t ask about trust issues in a relationship. Don’t imply there are ones. If there are, the people involved will tell you if they want you to know/think you should know/want your advice/ to use you as a sounding board.  If there aren’t, it’s seriously not ok to be implying there are trust issues.

In general, try to think about exactly what you’re saying/implying before you speak/type.

(You know that old saying about looking before you leap? There’s a reason for it.)

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Thinky thoughts on friendship, part one of ?

(this may become a semi-regular thing, we’ll see.)

Earlier this year, I went to a friend’s 18th birthday party.

I ended up spending most of the night with a dear friend of mine, mostly talking about many varied topics.

Eventually, we retired to a mattress, where we cuddled and talked (and eventually passed out).

Not once did I feel uncomfortable, did I feel that he would attempt anything I wasn’t comfortable with or pressure me into anything. Even though the position we were in was one commonly associated with couples, never was it sexual. Just two close friends, taking comfort from each other’s support.

Last night I had one of my close friends over.
I cooked tea, and then we spent the night talking and watching movies/comedy.
We both slept on the couch, falling asleep early this morning.

During one comedy show, the comedian did a skit on sexual attraction/romantic attraction. My friend just looked at me and asked “borogoves?” (to which I answered “borogove”).

Again,  never was I uncomfortable, never was it sexual (besides the fact that he wouldn’t do that, he’s got a girlfriend). It was just two friends, talking and being comfortable with each other.

That’s what I want out of life.

I want friends whom I can hug, whom I can talk with and have them try to understand what the hell I’m saying. I want friends who try to pick up when there’s something I might not understand, and laugh with (not at) me about it (when it’s funny).

For the most part, I have friends with whom I can do all these things. And I’m lucky, and I know that every second of every day.

But some people, not just other asexuals but other people of all different sexualities, don’t. I’d venture to go so far as saying most people don’t have that. And that makes me sad.

What makes me sadder though is that many people don’t know they can have that. Me and a close friend of mine were talking about relationships, and relationship hierarchy* a while ago, and something he said’s stuck with me.

He commented that until we’d re-met** he’d not thought he could have a close platonic relationship. Re-read that sentence.  Think about what that means.

We are in a society where people are told/taught that the only close relationship they can ever have is a romantic one.

We need to change this, right now.

*This is a conversation I think more people should have. Mostly because talking about this sort of thing is the only way we’re ever going to pin down what we actually want/need, instead of what we are told we want/need.

**We met once at a mutual friend’s party, and then didn’t see or talk to each other for about a third of a year.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

I have awesome friends

A quick post tonight, mostly on how lucky I am.

A friend of mine gave a necklace to his girlfriend last night, and was telling me about it via txt. He started his explanation with  “I’m not sure how much you get of it being a big thing”(with the implication being not that it was a bad thing, but more of a “am I saying this made my borogoves feel mimsy?”) .

I’m so lucky, because I have friends who’ll remember that I may not totally understand why exactly something’s important/what the hell they’re talking about (“borogoves feel mimsy”), but they’ll tell me anyway. And then, if I respond with “wtf is a borogove, and how does mimsy feel?”, they’ll take the time to try to explain exactly what a borogove is, and what mimsy is like.

So thank guys.

(the “borogoves feel mimsy” thing is totally stolen from Verbs_Not_Nouns, in hir essay here. I just saw it and thought it was a really fucking awesome explanation.)

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Hug a hottie day (Or, yes, I can actually hug my friends and not want to shag them)

I feel the need to start this post with a caveat: my friends are a lovely group of people, most of whom have taken me coming out extremely well. Honestly, I couldn’t ask for a better group of people. I just sometimes feel the need to smack some of them upside the head with a clue-by-four.

Right, now onto the post.

It’s hug a hottie day today on Facebook, and so dutifully I’ve virtually hugged many of my friends. (Which is what most of my friendship group has done. We’re cool like that.)


A few of my friends are unattached guys. They know I’m not expressing any interest in shagging them or even having a romantic relationship with them. But I “hugged” one of them second (the first person I “hugged” is currently dating another friend of mine), and it’s this “hug” I’m going to talk about.

This hug was the first visible one for hug a hottie day (the other was via msn). Nearly as soon as I’d posted on his wall that I’d hugged him, another friend of mine commented with  Ooooh ;)”.

I can’t tell if they’re joking or not. If they are, they need to work on their delivery/the internet needs a joking font.

But. If they’re not, then we have a problem. Because they know I’m aromantic, and yet they’re implying that we’re dating anyway. Which could mean they’ve forgotten/are disregarding that I’m aromantic.

That’s not good.  

That’s really, really not good. And it’s not the first time I’ve had to wonder* if my friends/other people I’m out to either remember that I’m aromantic or believe me when I say “Actually, I don’t feel the need to date. Seriously. Nor shag people.”**

Because, you see, if they’re disregarding that I’m aromantic, they’re implying that I can’t identify as aromantic. That I don’t know my own feelings.  That actually, I will suddenly “grow up” and realise I want to date, settle down and have a cat/dog/fish/child (most of them realise that even if I wasn’t aromantic me having a child is not going to happen.).

And honestly? That hurts.

*I’ve had friends tell me “you’ll make some man very happy one day”, male acquaintances flirt (with intent to shag) with me, friends try and set me up with other people, etc etc. I’m sure they all mean well, and have only the best intentions. It’s just very disheartening to have it implied, over and over, that I’m wrong about myself.

**My mother, for one. I’m not out to her, but I am as close to out as is possible without actually being, you know, out. Yet she still insists on believing that me and one(or more!) of several friends are dating.

On movies and romance and humour (or the lack thereof)

Watched a bunch of movies recently, and something struck me.

In movies, being “Alone” (caps fully intended) is (nearly) always positioned as both a temporary thing and a Bad Thing.

It’s presented that everyone actually just wants some loving relationship (tm)*, and no matter how ugly/weird/nerdy/strange/etc they are, the Right One is out there for them. And not only is this Significant Other (who is almost always the opposite (binary)gender to them) out there, but they will meet and fall in Love (tm) and, after a few mishaps, they will live in happy bliss for eternity/until they both cark it together in bed surrounded by adoring grandchildren.

You know who doesn’t get loved? Who doesn’t have a True Love (tm) with whom they’ll spend the rest of their days in happily romantic bliss? Villains. They don’t get happy endings, which usually include falling in love with their Significant Other and having their love returned**.

Admittedly, there are movies where the main character doesn’t get a True Love (tm), but usually in those sorts of movies the main character in question is either an animal, a child, or both. The most recent character I identified with(in regards to romantic attraction, at least) was Remy, from  Ratatouille. And Remy is a rat. (thus, the movie makers don’t ‘need’ to give him a love interest the same way they ‘need’ to give  Linguini one.)

There’s also a part in the plot where  Linguini and a fellow chef develop a romantic relationship and Remy is shown to be left out. This has been one of the few movies I’ve seen that didn’t (to me, at least) try to do the whole “Look, this/these characters are left out, but it’s ok, because THEY ARE SECONDARY RELATIONSHIPS/IT’S IMMATURE TO NOT WANT THINGS TO CHANGE/THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS***”. Instead, it shows how the deterioration of the bond between Remy and Linguini is actually a bad thing, and the movie ends happily**** after Remy and Linguini repair said bond.

This shouldn’t be such a rare thing in movies that friendship is prized, not under a romantic relationship, but as much as, and it’s not played for humour***.

I don't value my romantic relationships far above my friendships (not having any), and I'm lucky that some of my close friends don't seem to either (so far. It's early days yet for several of them). And it hurts when, over and over again, I'm told that I should, that I should accept that, if I'm not going to have a Relationship (tm)*, I'm going to be an after thought to everyone I will ever know. 

</rambling rant>

*Love(tm) and Relationship(tm) being a romantic relationship which is "acceptable" (i.e., heterosexualmonogamous, between two fully able (probably white) people/characters of the same species 

**As someone who plans to be “Alone” for the rest of my life, I’m sure you can guess how I feel about that.

***I’m looking at you, Lion King. “Can you feel the love tonight” indeed.


Sunday, 5 June 2011

On asexuality, and my experience so far with growing up ace.

 Last year (2010, for those who are questioning), in September, I came across a new word. I didn’t know what it meant, and so I googled it.

That google search has been one of the best things I’ve ever done.

The word was Asexual, and as I read more and more about it I cried. I found out I wasn’t the only person feeling like I do about relationships and sex (i.e., I’m sure they’re nice. I’m good without it, thanks, but you guys do whatever you want*)

Before that, though, I lived life assuming something was wrong with me. It didn’t worry me too much**, but every so often, when friends were dating/talking about who they ‘liked’ or well meaning family members were hinting that I’d best start dating soon, there was a bit of me going “what’s wrong with me?! Why am I such a freak?’. It was a little bit of me, but it still existed.

It shouldn’t have. It’s not right that children grow up without the correct words to express how they feel. It’s not right that teens (and older) are made to feel like freaks because they don’t spend all their time/any of their time trying to shag anybody they can.

It’s not right that when we do find the words, discover we’re not freaks/broken/wrong, that people tell us that actually, we are. I’ve been told that I’ve got a disorder, that I don’t feel the way I do, that I’m just trying to be special/difficult, that I’m broken.
I’m not broken. And neither is any other asexual.

Deal with it.

*assuming it’s all safe, sane and consensual.

**it was more of a ‘yet another thing that sets me apart from the world. Fine, whatever, less bills to eventually pay. I’ll get a cat or something, and become that crazy aunt who turns up at family gatherings’

Thursday, 2 June 2011

On who I'm out to, and why

I’m out to my very close friends, mostly because some of them were there when I was working I was ace, and the rest of them are dating those who were there. I’m out to them because I need to be out to someone, I need someone to know who I am. I need someone to recognise that there are some things I can’t understand , will never understand, and I need someone to lean on when things get bad. I need people to explain things to me that most people take for granted*.

Without these friends, I would be a far less stable person. I would also probably not be here.

I'm out to the internet, because it was the internet that first informed me that what I was feeling wasn't weird, that I wasn't broken. I'm out because I can be, and because I want to be. I'm out because when people ask what I mean by asexual, I can link them to useful things instead of having to spend the time explaining it badly myself.

Without the internet, I wouldn't know I wasn't broken.

I’m not out to my parents, because my mother’s a psychologist and dad’s a lawyer who works with the seriously mentally ill. I live with them, and I don’t want to be living in a house where I could be thought of as being ill because of who I do(n’t) like. Our family already has a history of mental illness, and I can’t deal with being consigned to being schizophrenic/sociopathic because I’m not interested in dating.  I don’t want to be constantly psychoanalysed by my parents.
Not being out to my parents means that my mother is pressuring me to date someone. Not being out to my parents means that I get told “Dating someone makes you a better person”.

I don’t want to be a better person. I want to be me.

*A close friend just explained to me what made someone ‘hot’. Until him, I had no reference point for what defined it. Now, I kinda understand. It’s someone who catches your eye in a crowd, and draws your attention.

(To clarify, I don't think my parents would treat me differently. But the potential is there, and I won't come out until I'm living somewhere else.)


Hi, I'm Bagheist.

I'm a first year Games Design student, and I identify as a Aromantic Asexual. 
Thus, this blog will be filled with a whole bunch of my thoughts on both games and on A/sexuality.