Thursday, 2 June 2011

On who I'm out to, and why

I’m out to my very close friends, mostly because some of them were there when I was working I was ace, and the rest of them are dating those who were there. I’m out to them because I need to be out to someone, I need someone to know who I am. I need someone to recognise that there are some things I can’t understand , will never understand, and I need someone to lean on when things get bad. I need people to explain things to me that most people take for granted*.

Without these friends, I would be a far less stable person. I would also probably not be here.

I'm out to the internet, because it was the internet that first informed me that what I was feeling wasn't weird, that I wasn't broken. I'm out because I can be, and because I want to be. I'm out because when people ask what I mean by asexual, I can link them to useful things instead of having to spend the time explaining it badly myself.

Without the internet, I wouldn't know I wasn't broken.

I’m not out to my parents, because my mother’s a psychologist and dad’s a lawyer who works with the seriously mentally ill. I live with them, and I don’t want to be living in a house where I could be thought of as being ill because of who I do(n’t) like. Our family already has a history of mental illness, and I can’t deal with being consigned to being schizophrenic/sociopathic because I’m not interested in dating.  I don’t want to be constantly psychoanalysed by my parents.
Not being out to my parents means that my mother is pressuring me to date someone. Not being out to my parents means that I get told “Dating someone makes you a better person”.

I don’t want to be a better person. I want to be me.

*A close friend just explained to me what made someone ‘hot’. Until him, I had no reference point for what defined it. Now, I kinda understand. It’s someone who catches your eye in a crowd, and draws your attention.

(To clarify, I don't think my parents would treat me differently. But the potential is there, and I won't come out until I'm living somewhere else.)

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