19. What do relationships mean to you?
Ah, that’s a tough one.
On the one hand, they mean having people who know me, whom I can turn to for help or guidance or to share with. They mean having hope that I won’t be forever alone, that I’m not going to become a statistic. They mean having people I care about, having friends and people for whom friend is too weak a word, having people whom I can ask “wtf are borogroves? Also what’s mimsy, and this word, and describe this, also why?” and know they won’t laugh maliciously, having people whom I can curl up with, having people whom I can hug and have physical contact with, having people who care.
They mean having some place to crash when I need to, having a kind ear to whisper in, a breath of fresh air when life seems stagnant and a warm hug to burrow into. They mean protection and safety, and they mean are people whom I try my utmost to protect. They mean curiosity and companionship and having someone to feed experimental cooking. They mean truth and freedom and being myself, who ever that is.
On the other hand, relationships also mean having to lie to some people for fear of the possible consequences of the truth. They mean being put down, not being able to understand, being misrepresented and not trusted. They mean feeling alone and awkward, even in groups. They mean knowing I’m the odd one out, and always will be. They mean being accidentally hurt, and deliberately hurt. They mean being told I’m wrong or sick, they mean feeling broken. They mean worry and stress and heartbreak and sorrow. They mean putting up with things because people “don’t really mean it”. The mean justifying things to myself that I really shouldn’t, they mean being dumped in the deep end and left to drown. They mean feeling used and betrayed and weak. They mean being afraid, both of myself and others.
Mostly though, they mean safety and companionship. And that’s all I really want.