Monday, 11 July 2011

Sex and Relationships and Me.

Having read this post, I got thinking. And then I decided that I should state my position on sex and relationships, as it stands now.

I consider myself sex positive. (no, really)

I think people should be able to shag whoever and however they want, assuming it is both not harming anyone and fully consensual*. You want to shag in a bed in the missionary position with the lights off? That’s cool, you enjoy that. You want to shag dressed as horses? That’s cool too, don’t get fur in uncomfortable places. You want to shag on a wall, in a car, on the roof, six other people, one other person, a guy, a girl, someone(s) who aren’t binary identified? That’s cool, have fun.

My basic position when it comes to shagging is don’t make people nearby uncomfortable/involve people only by consent. That is, if you’re shagging in your own house, and it is just you and your partner(s) there? Have at it, go wild, whatever.
If you’re in a public place, think about the other people you could be making uncomfortable. Funnily enough, many people don’t like seeing total strangers (or even their friends) shagging or looking like they’re a layer of clothing from shagging. 

Basically, if it’s not your space, think before you shag. Public places are not the best place for a shag, because you are involving other people without their consent.

That’s not cool. That is really, really not good.

Other than that, go nuts! Have as much, or as little, sex as you want.

In my case, the amount of sex I want is none. That’s just as ok as someone who wants lots, which is just as ok as someone who wants a little, which is just as ok get the idea.

Relationships though. There will be some people reading this who will go “But Bagheist, you said you would talk about relationships too!”

So I will.

I think people should be free to find whatever relationship(s) work for them. I think that we should view all relationships as valid, that we shouldn’t set up the hierarchy of relationships that we do** (look out for a post on this. I am currently mulling over it myself.) I think we shouldn’t lump actions into ‘appropriate for x relationship’ and ‘inappropriate for x relationship’. I also think we should have better words for our relationships. Ones that can actually express what we are to each other***

When I say that, I mean we shouldn’t lump actions into “for friends” and “for SO’s” (for example, hugging people for extended periods of time is usually lumped into “For SO’s only”.  I am not saying that every individual person groups actions this way, but in general, it is assumed that if people are hugging, they are dating/in a romantic relationship of some sort).

I think that the idea of having cuddle buddies and sports buddies and doctor who buddies and movie buddies and buddies for all sorts of things is fantastic. I think that people shouldn’t be told that “you will only get these things from this person, and getting them from anyone else is horrible and not accepted”. We should instead be saying “Find out what works for you. We’re all individuals, after all.”

And then, when people say “I have a girlfriend, and I have a friend who is a girl, and I hug both of them,**** and that works for us.” Society should not respond with “No. You cannot do that.” But with “Cool!”

I’m not actually sure just when I decided that the above was how I felt. As far as I know, I’ve always felt this way about relationships and sex.

And I think that’s because I never really understood the hang ups about them. I approach romantic relationships and sex from the point of view of “huh?”. To me,  all desire for sex is weird. I’m not going to say that “x type of sex is weirder than y”, because to me all of it is pretty weird.(Think about it. You are waggling your genitals around, and somehow society has decided that this means you (may) love someone.)

 I’m not saying people shouldn’t have sex. I’m saying that, while I may not feel the need, or even really understand the need, I accept that you do and encourage you to fulfil that need however best works for you (again, assuming consent and sanity. Run by Safe, Sane and Consensual).

To me, the desire for a romantic relationships is also weird. I actually don’t understand why. I accept that most people do want one, and I encourage them to find one or more that work for all involved. I wish you all the very best.

*People involved should also be actually able to give consent.

**In general, it seems to be expected that ‘Romantic and sexual relationship > romantic but not sexual relationship> family>friends>strangers on the street’. This doesn’t work for me, for obvious reasons.

***For example, I have a very close relationship with S. I would trust S with everything, and I know I can depend upon S to try to understand wtf I'm babbling about now. I have a less close relationship with G. There are some things I would not trust G with, not because G is untrustworthy, but because we are not that close and out relationship does not work like that. However, to outsiders, they are both my friends. I want words to express "This is S, who is my unrelated-brother-family-dearest-trustworthy-cuddle-buddy-support, and this is is G, who is my uni-mate-fellow-female-geek-friend-cooking-person", without spending half an hour explaining our relationships.

****Replace with whatever your relationships are.

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